09 December 2009

Perry Mason and the Case of the Stupid Guns and Important Shoes

My son was complaining the other day about the key plot twist in an old episode of Perry Mason that he had seen on TV. The key to the mystery was that there were two guns, the murder weapon and one that was never fired, and that the only witness, a woman, couldn’t tell the difference between the two. Plausible enough, my son thought, except that one was a revolver while the other was an automatic, and so the difference ought to have been immediately apparent to anyone.

“Well, she was a woman,” I countered, “Guns aren’t important to women.”

“Dad! Anyone can tell the difference between a revolver and a gat!”

“Ah, maybe. Say, did you see your girlfriend today?”


“Notice what she was wearing?”

“Of course!”

“What color were her shoes?”

“Shoes?” he asked in a tone that indicated he shouldn’t even be expected to know.

I nodded and called his sister into the room. I asked her, “Hey, Bean-Girl, what’s the difference between a revolver and an automatic?”

“Uh — well they’re both guns, right?” When I nodded, she went on, “Does an automatic have more bullets?”

“Something like that,” I changed the subject, “See your friend DeeDee today?”

“I see her on the bus everyday.”

“What color were her shoes?”

“Black Converse high-tops with the white circle on the ankle, why?”

“Well, because Pod-Man knows the difference between an automatic and a revolver, but he doesn’t know what color shoes his girlfriend was wearing today.”

She shook her head, saying to Pod-Man before she left the room, “Guns are stupid; shoes are important.”

So I then told my son always to keep in mind a few lessons:
  • People naturally think about and remember what is important to them.
  • You need to put some effort into remembering the things that are not important to you because you won’t do it automatically.
  • Different things are important to men and women , and you had better figure out what is important to the women in your life.

23 November 2009

One Story: Two Versions

Dutch-man Version:

So, I'm in the bedroom, ironing a shirt, when Bean-Girl comes in, throws herself on the bed, and asks —

Bean-Girl: Why isn't Mister Rogers' Neighborhood on TV anymore?

Dutchman (Not looking at her, busy ironing the shirt): Because Fred Rogers is dead.

Bean-Girl: Well, they could show re-runs.

Dutchman: Not after how he died.

Bean-Girl: Why, how did he die?

Dutchman: Shot to death in a motel in Jersey City …

Bean-Girl: Really?

Dutchman: Yeah, he was coked out of his mind, beatin' some ho' with a golf club, yellin' "You're not my neighbor!" when the pimp broke in and shot him dead with a Glock. Emptied the whole clip into him, too.

Bean-Girl (sobbing): Really?

Dutchman (turns around, sees how upset she is): No! Fred Rogers was a happily married Presbyterian minister. He died at home, in bed, surrounded by his family, after a short illness!

Bean-Girl (running from the room, sobbing wildly): I don't believe you!

Bean-girl Version:

So, Dad is in the bedroom about to Iron a shirt when he yells "Hey Bean! Give me some company while I iron a shirt!" I walk in and commence to glare at him.

Bean-Girl: (Looking to annoy him) Hey, Old man, Why isn't Mister Rogers' Neighborhood on TV anymore? They show re-runs of other shows!

Dutchman: (trying to pull one on me) Because he is dead... D-E-D!!

They could show re-runs... they do on every other show?

Dutchman: Not how he died.

(sarcastically) Why how did he die?

Dutchman: (turns around looking grim) He was shot to death in a motel in Jersey City... (turns back around)

Yeah Right!

Dutchman: Yeah, he was coked out of his mind, beatin' some ho' with a golf club, yellin' "You're not my neighbor!" when the pimp broke in and shot him dead. Emptied the whole clip into him, too.

*cough cough*

Dutchman: (quickly, turns around to try to pretend to care) No! Fred Rogers was a happily married Presbyterian minister. He died at home, in bed, surrounded by his family and friends, after a short illness!


The Truth? You decide!

22 September 2009

Shana Tova!

So it’s Friday, 18 August, 2009, and I’m walking down Franklin Street, when this guy in a really big black hat comes up to me and says:

Guy In Black Hat: “Shana Tova!”

Dutchman: “Sorry, I don’t speak Spanish.”

Guy In Black Hat: “Why do you think that’s Spanish?”

Dutchman: “Because you’re wearing the sombrero!”

19 September 2009

03 September 2009

Be a LUG!

This program is amazing! These videos make it so that it's just like you're there! Excep, of course, that we were at home, not in an office, and I would never wear a ball-cap like that, and I'm a good deal taller than pumpkin, and, I guess, a few other things as well ...

Heaven or Joliet: Your Choice!

An actual incident that happened to me in the quad at Moody Bible Incident.
This animation is so real — it's like you're there!

17 August 2009

04 August 2009

Out of the closet at last!

Though Mommy pleads for him to stay (even offering to meet his "special needs"), Daddy has come out as a fisting bottom and has resolved to live his life for himself from now on. "I'm going to live with my soul-mate," Daddy says tearfully as he loads up the last of his luggage, "Sergent Snorkel!"

16 July 2009

True — especially if you look like David Foster Wallace

Worship your own body and beauty and sexual allure and you will always feel ugly, and when time and age start showing, you will die a million deaths before they finally plant you.
— David Foster Wallace
"This is Water" p. 106

11 June 2009

30 March 2009

I Know Exactly How He Feels

"If I followed my instincts, I would be strangled by some hairy sailor in a public urinal. Every comely man, every bank clerk and delivery boy, was aimed at my life like a loaded pistol."

— John Cheever, journal entry

Of course, I mean the sailor, I know how he feels.

20 March 2009

We Spread Sunshine, Wherever We Go!

So, Sunday Pod-Man and I went down to the Art Institute. The big draw that afternoon was a special exhibit of paintings by Edvard Munch, including his famous “Scream.” Naturally, as they always do in modern museums, there was an audio tour that you could take. Curious about this, I asked the woman at the information desk —

Dutchman: If we take the audio tour, do we get to hear the scream?

Information Lady: Yes, absolutely!

Dutchman: Does the scream sound more like Mae Clark or Fay Wray?

Information Lady: (pausing a moment to think it over) Actually — more like Elsa Lanchester.

Dutchman: If we like it, can we get an audio tape of it at the souvenir stand?

Information Lady: No tapes, but you can get a CD.

Dutchman: What about an MP3 download?

Information Lady: No — but a lot of people have been asking for that.

Later we found ourselves in a room with about fifteen or twenty Georgia O'Keeffe paintings, and Pod-Man had an inspiration:

Pod-Man: Hey, let’s play Where’s Waldo!

Dutchman: Where’s Waldo?

Pod-Man: Yeah, only instead of Waldo, we look for the vaginas in the Georgia O'Keeffe paintings.

At this point a woman gave us a nasty look and made a sort of snorting sound of disapproval.

Dutchman: You’re as queer as a three-dollar-bill; do you even know what a vagina looks like? Have you ever seen one?

I could see the woman’s lips curl up in disgust. She was probably in her early thirties, wearing jeans and a gray turtleneck, shoulder-length hair pulled back behind her ears, tiny little “Tina Fey” glasses.

Pod-Man: Well, I’ve never actually seen one — but if I pick out the ugliest part of the painting, I figure that’s got to be it!

Dutchman: Smart boy!

The woman made an audible grunt of disgust before she left the room.

17 March 2009

Not me, no sir!

So, I'm walking down LaSalle Street, in a suit, going to the opera with Bean-Girl, when this car pulls up next to us and slows to a stop. There are two couples in the car, probably early thirties, well turned-out in suits and dresses, and the fellow in the back seat leans forward to ask: "Are you going to the swing club?"

"No, sir!" I answered promptly, "I'm happily married!"

Separated at Birth?

James Toback

Comic Book Guy

30 January 2009

Old Favorite Song

About fifteen years ago, I heard this great song on Dick Bartley's "Rock & Roll Oldies Show.” It was just a guy bragging, "I — am the magnificent!" to a rock-steady beat with a little bit of Ska piano and organ behind him. I waited patiently, while half-a-dozen other songs played, and then carefully wrote down the announced name: "Jungle Fever" by the Chakachas. I then promptly sent away to Nina's Discount Oldies for the 45.


"Jungle Fever" was not the song I wanted. Years later, a Google search for "I — am the magnificent!" gave out only a sample of the song I wanted by the Prophet. Damn!

Anyway, on Tuesday I heard it again on WXRT's Sound Opinions show. I immediately fund it on YouTube and now am totally blissed out!

With no further ado, here's Dave & Ansel Collins doing "Double Barrel!"

06 January 2009

Separated at Birth?

Lisa Marie Presley

Renée Flemming

05 January 2009

New Favorite Song

Home of the Brave by the Nails

Actual License Plate

These people must be animals!

03 January 2009

Separated at Birth?

Saul Alinsky

Joe Profaci