17 May 2004

My Curiosity Punished

So I’m sitting on the El train this morning when this girl gets on. She’s short, kind of plump, short haired, dressed in jeans and T-shirt. She passes right by me and she has this button on her shirt. It’s yellow on top and white on the bottom. The top says: “I want a President who …” and I can’t make out the bottom. So the girl sits down right opposite me and I’m staring hard at her trying to make out what the bottom of the button says and, evidently, this is a do-it-yourself button where you fill in whatever it is you want the president to do and this girl’s handwriting isn’t the best so I’m really staring hard at this, when she gives me a NASTY DROP-DEAD LOOK and I realize two things:

1] The button is pinned right on top of a really big hooter that I’m staring straight at …

2] The full text reads:“I want a President who SUPPORTS GAY MARRIAGE!”

So — I had to sit across from the bull dyke who thought I was staring at her tits from Belmont up to Howard. If looks could kill, I’d be a dead man …

04 May 2004

Pop Quiz!

Saturday I was at the public library with my son (checking out DVD’s of The Bank Dick w/W.C. Fields and Geisevus' Memoirs), and we're going down the escalator and I have this rip in my jeans, right at the top of the leg, about an inch and a half of leg-flesh shows out, no big deal, nothing you can't see at the beach, and this voice comes from behind us:

Lady: You forgot to wear underwear!

Now, the voice was kind of snotty, like Lilly Tomlin, so I turn around. It's a woman, about 35/40, wearing jeans and a sweat-shirt, mouse brown hair in a pony tail, no make-up, so it's not like she's dressed up…

And what does she expect me to do, wear underwear with jeans? So I try to answer her nicely, make a joke out of it …

Dutchman: I never wear underwear. Elvis never did, and I always ask myself "what would Elvis do?"

Lady: How do you know he didn't wear underwear?

Every biography says so …

Now we've gotten off the escalator and she's following me …

You can't always trust what you read!

Well, I guess you could always call up Priscilla and ask her!

She wasn't with him for very long.

I didn't answer this one, I just made a sharp turn and went off where I didn't want to go just so she wouldn't follow.

So here’s the quiz part:

1] What was that lady's problem? She didn't seem to care that I wasn't wearing underwear, she just seemed to want to talk and then she contradicted everything that I said. What the hell was on her mind?

2] In a civilized country, would she be in a Gulag, or what?