17 May 2007

The Dutchman’s NYT Sex Frequency Test

According to a recent issue of the New York Times, the average American has sex 58 times per year. Several factors, however, have been found to reliably predict deviations from this mean. So take the Dutchman’s NYT Sex Frequency Test and see if it has predictive value for you!

Jazz Bonus:
+30% for Jazz Fans

Left Wing Bonus:
+10% for being a self described “liberal”
+33% for “Extreme Liberal”
+55% for “Radical”

Education Penalty:
-10% for each year of College education

Gun Owner Bonus:
+10% for male gun owners
+15% for female gun owners

Vice Bonus
+20% for smoking
+20% for “excessive” drinking

Television Bonus
+10% for watching Television

Working Class Bonus
+15% for earning less than $30,000 per annum
+30% for living in a trailer

Take your total percentage (100% plus or minus any bonuses or penalties) and multiply this by the normal mean of 58.

Does this match your actual frequency of coition? If not, what can you do about it? When my total was off I had to start listening to Jazz, buy a gun, and, since I couldn’t un-do those years of college education, move into a trailer. What radical changes will this test bring to you?

15 May 2007

Rules of Thumb

• The larger the car, the more inconsiderate the driver.

• Conservatives don't think greed is a sin, while Liberals don't think lust is.

• Most women would rather talk about a problem than solve it.

• Richard Roper’s Shopping Insight: Women will shop without buying / men will buy without shopping.

• Closeted homosexuals “pass” most easily in small cities where they can have the anonymity unavailable in a small town, while also not facing big city sophisticates who could spot them.

• First Rule of Dog Training: Until a dog is trained, never give an order that cannot be immediately enforced.

• A woman tries to anticipate what her lover will feel about something, a man wants predict what his lover will do about it.

• The more education a woman has, the fewer children she will want.

• The more religious a man is, the more children he will want.

• If a short guy is “feisty,” then he’s probably compensating for his height, but if a big guy is “feisty,” then he’s a scrap-happy psycho.

• Rhona Lichtenberg’s Gossip Rule of 3: Don’t repeat anything you haven’t heard three times. [NOTE: this is almost identical to Stalin’s Intelligence Rule: don’t trust any information unless it comes from three independent sources.”]

• People who talk about “blumpkins,” “Cleveland Steamers,” and “Nasty Sanchezes” have never actually done any of those things.

• Among Irish Whiskey drinkers, Protestants drink Bushmills while Catholics drink Jameson.

• Dan Savage’s Recovery Quotient: The recovery time after a break up is approximately half the duration of the relationship, less one month for every year you are over thirty.

• A white man named Jr. is most likely a failure, while a black man named Jr. is most likely a success.

10 May 2007

Random Observations

These are just some things I've noticed over the past 46 years. They are all drawn from my experience and may have no validity past that.

• An Asian with big, musclely legs is almost certain to be Japanese, never Chinese.

• I have never seen a full-blooded American Indian with a beard or moustache.

• Alcoholic women and male homosexuals are usually more promiscuous than non-alcoholics, while alcoholic heterosexual males typically lose their interest in sex and “womanizers” are almost always moderate drinkers.

• Alcoholics usually lose their appetites and, unless they are beer drinkers, are usually under-weight.

• Women with double-chins usually have larger breasts than the average woman.

• Nowadays, a balding man in his twenties is much more likely to shave his head than to comb-over his bald-spot.

• Since about 1980, only balding men and “outdoorsy types” grow a full beard.

• When gay men go bald, they just go bald. They don’t comb it over, shave their heads, or get a toupee, they just keep what hair they do have short and neat.

• African-American men are much more likely to wear toupees than others.

• African-American and Chinese women are much more likely to have thinning hair than others.

• Old ladies always sit at the front of the bus and never exit by the back door.

• Hip replacements have become more common than dentures.

• Even if you can’t hear what they are saying, you can usually tell just by looking when two people are conversing in a foreign language.

• When I over-hear immigrants talking in their native language, they often use English nouns (e.g., “cell phone,” “section eight,” or “State Street”) but never English verbs.

• African-Americans are much more likely to dress up for social occasions (e.g., attending church, going on dates, attending Jazz concerts). They will also wear brighter colored dress clothes, are more likely to match the shoes to the outfit, and often mix non-Western items (e.g., kente cloth, skull caps, or dashikis) with traditional Western clothes.

• I have never seen a black man wearing sneakers with a suit.

• You will never get a compliment on a new hat, but often on an old hat.

• Guys who like big breasts will date fat women just for their large breasts.

• Most long-term homosexual couples are matched personality types, not complementary types (i.e., both partners are either dominant personality types or passive personality types), while in most long-term heterosexual couples one partner is clearly dominant.

• In the grocery store “ethnic” means Hispanic (beans, salsa, etc.) while at the drug-store “ethnic” means African-American (usually hair-care products).

• Women are much more likely read books on the subway than men. Men often read newspapers, seldom books, and never fiction.

• A red bandanna hanging out of a back pocket usually means a man works around dust and blows his nose frequently. Dark blue could go either way. Any other color always means “cruising”.

• A “lip-stick lesbian” who decides that she wants kids will straighten up and get herself a man. A “no-makeup lesbian” will get herself a turkey baster or adopt.

• Middle aged lesbian butches in the professions usually have a Huey Lewis hair-cut and dress like him on the weekends.

• When a woman says sex is “over-rated,” is means that she’s non-orgasmic. When a man says sex is “over-rated,” is means that his partner is non-orgasmic.