30 March 2009

I Know Exactly How He Feels

"If I followed my instincts, I would be strangled by some hairy sailor in a public urinal. Every comely man, every bank clerk and delivery boy, was aimed at my life like a loaded pistol."

— John Cheever, journal entry

Of course, I mean the sailor, I know how he feels.

20 March 2009

We Spread Sunshine, Wherever We Go!

So, Sunday Pod-Man and I went down to the Art Institute. The big draw that afternoon was a special exhibit of paintings by Edvard Munch, including his famous “Scream.” Naturally, as they always do in modern museums, there was an audio tour that you could take. Curious about this, I asked the woman at the information desk —

Dutchman: If we take the audio tour, do we get to hear the scream?

Information Lady: Yes, absolutely!

Dutchman: Does the scream sound more like Mae Clark or Fay Wray?

Information Lady: (pausing a moment to think it over) Actually — more like Elsa Lanchester.

Dutchman: If we like it, can we get an audio tape of it at the souvenir stand?

Information Lady: No tapes, but you can get a CD.

Dutchman: What about an MP3 download?

Information Lady: No — but a lot of people have been asking for that.

Later we found ourselves in a room with about fifteen or twenty Georgia O'Keeffe paintings, and Pod-Man had an inspiration:

Pod-Man: Hey, let’s play Where’s Waldo!

Dutchman: Where’s Waldo?

Pod-Man: Yeah, only instead of Waldo, we look for the vaginas in the Georgia O'Keeffe paintings.

At this point a woman gave us a nasty look and made a sort of snorting sound of disapproval.

Dutchman: You’re as queer as a three-dollar-bill; do you even know what a vagina looks like? Have you ever seen one?

I could see the woman’s lips curl up in disgust. She was probably in her early thirties, wearing jeans and a gray turtleneck, shoulder-length hair pulled back behind her ears, tiny little “Tina Fey” glasses.

Pod-Man: Well, I’ve never actually seen one — but if I pick out the ugliest part of the painting, I figure that’s got to be it!

Dutchman: Smart boy!

The woman made an audible grunt of disgust before she left the room.

17 March 2009

Not me, no sir!

So, I'm walking down LaSalle Street, in a suit, going to the opera with Bean-Girl, when this car pulls up next to us and slows to a stop. There are two couples in the car, probably early thirties, well turned-out in suits and dresses, and the fellow in the back seat leans forward to ask: "Are you going to the swing club?"

"No, sir!" I answered promptly, "I'm happily married!"

Separated at Birth?

James Toback

Comic Book Guy