10 May 2007

Random Observations

These are just some things I've noticed over the past 46 years. They are all drawn from my experience and may have no validity past that.

• An Asian with big, musclely legs is almost certain to be Japanese, never Chinese.

• I have never seen a full-blooded American Indian with a beard or moustache.

• Alcoholic women and male homosexuals are usually more promiscuous than non-alcoholics, while alcoholic heterosexual males typically lose their interest in sex and “womanizers” are almost always moderate drinkers.

• Alcoholics usually lose their appetites and, unless they are beer drinkers, are usually under-weight.

• Women with double-chins usually have larger breasts than the average woman.

• Nowadays, a balding man in his twenties is much more likely to shave his head than to comb-over his bald-spot.

• Since about 1980, only balding men and “outdoorsy types” grow a full beard.

• When gay men go bald, they just go bald. They don’t comb it over, shave their heads, or get a toupee, they just keep what hair they do have short and neat.

• African-American men are much more likely to wear toupees than others.

• African-American and Chinese women are much more likely to have thinning hair than others.

• Old ladies always sit at the front of the bus and never exit by the back door.

• Hip replacements have become more common than dentures.

• Even if you can’t hear what they are saying, you can usually tell just by looking when two people are conversing in a foreign language.

• When I over-hear immigrants talking in their native language, they often use English nouns (e.g., “cell phone,” “section eight,” or “State Street”) but never English verbs.

• African-Americans are much more likely to dress up for social occasions (e.g., attending church, going on dates, attending Jazz concerts). They will also wear brighter colored dress clothes, are more likely to match the shoes to the outfit, and often mix non-Western items (e.g., kente cloth, skull caps, or dashikis) with traditional Western clothes.

• I have never seen a black man wearing sneakers with a suit.

• You will never get a compliment on a new hat, but often on an old hat.

• Guys who like big breasts will date fat women just for their large breasts.

• Most long-term homosexual couples are matched personality types, not complementary types (i.e., both partners are either dominant personality types or passive personality types), while in most long-term heterosexual couples one partner is clearly dominant.

• In the grocery store “ethnic” means Hispanic (beans, salsa, etc.) while at the drug-store “ethnic” means African-American (usually hair-care products).

• Women are much more likely read books on the subway than men. Men often read newspapers, seldom books, and never fiction.

• A red bandanna hanging out of a back pocket usually means a man works around dust and blows his nose frequently. Dark blue could go either way. Any other color always means “cruising”.

• A “lip-stick lesbian” who decides that she wants kids will straighten up and get herself a man. A “no-makeup lesbian” will get herself a turkey baster or adopt.

• Middle aged lesbian butches in the professions usually have a Huey Lewis hair-cut and dress like him on the weekends.

• When a woman says sex is “over-rated,” is means that she’s non-orgasmic. When a man says sex is “over-rated,” is means that his partner is non-orgasmic.

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