Rules of Thumb

• The larger the car, the more inconsiderate the driver.

• Conservatives don't think greed is a sin, while Liberals don't think lust is.

• Most women would rather talk about a problem than solve it.

• Richard Roper’s Shopping Insight: Women will shop without buying / men will buy without shopping.

• Closeted homosexuals “pass” most easily in small cities where they can have the anonymity unavailable in a small town, while also not facing big city sophisticates who could spot them.

• First Rule of Dog Training: Until a dog is trained, never give an order that cannot be immediately enforced.

• A woman tries to anticipate what her lover will feel about something, a man wants predict what his lover will do about it.

• The more education a woman has, the fewer children she will want.

• The more religious a man is, the more children he will want.

• If a short guy is “feisty,” then he’s probably compensating for his height, but if a big guy is “feisty,” then he’s a scrap-happy psycho.

• Rhona Lichtenberg’s Gossip Rule of 3: Don’t repeat anything you haven’t heard three times. [NOTE: this is almost identical to Stalin’s Intelligence Rule: don’t trust any information unless it comes from three independent sources.”]

• People who talk about “blumpkins,” “Cleveland Steamers,” and “Nasty Sanchezes” have never actually done any of those things.

• Among Irish Whiskey drinkers, Protestants drink Bushmills while Catholics drink Jameson.

• Dan Savage’s Recovery Quotient: The recovery time after a break up is approximately half the duration of the relationship, less one month for every year you are over thirty.

• A white man named Jr. is most likely a failure, while a black man named Jr. is most likely a success.