Calmly, he turned around and confronted the fellow, asking, "Which will it be? If I were a foggot, then I certainly wouldn't be interested in fucking your mother. And if I were fucking your mother, then that would make me at lest a bi-sexual."
24 September 2007
Axiomatically Impossible
So, Pod-Man was on the bus to school the other day when someone called him a "Motherfucking faggot."
Calmly, he turned around and confronted the fellow, asking, "Which will it be? If I were a foggot, then I certainly wouldn't be interested in fucking your mother. And if I were fucking your mother, then that would make me at lest a bi-sexual."
Calmly, he turned around and confronted the fellow, asking, "Which will it be? If I were a foggot, then I certainly wouldn't be interested in fucking your mother. And if I were fucking your mother, then that would make me at lest a bi-sexual."
03 September 2007
Who came up with this?
Good To Grow is a program featured in supermarkets to educate children about healthy foods featuring Paz, a penguin "who teaches by example." Recently, Bean-girl and I saw a large display of Paz in the produce section urging children to eat vegetables five times a day.Bean-Girl: That's stupid!
Dutchman: Why?
Bean-Girl: Penguins don't eat vegetables!
24 August 2007
Don't let's offend the effete!
-
A fabulous company, Wholesomewear, is making swim-wear that does not offer a shocking display of feminine carnality! The original culotte swimmer is modest swimwear for the more active swimmer. This design has a body fitting undergarment made of Spandex for maximum flexibility. And the looser fitting taslan scoop-necked romper outer garment gives a stylish modest look.
At last I will be able to take Wife-Mate to Hollywood Beach without causing offense!
A fabulous company, Wholesomewear, is making swim-wear that does not offer a shocking display of feminine carnality! The original culotte swimmer is modest swimwear for the more active swimmer. This design has a body fitting undergarment made of Spandex for maximum flexibility. And the looser fitting taslan scoop-necked romper outer garment gives a stylish modest look.At last I will be able to take Wife-Mate to Hollywood Beach without causing offense!
23 July 2007
Catwoman's Secret!
Pod-man and I were down at the supermarket the other day, when I saw this woman with a gorgeous tattoo of Catwoman across her upper arm and shoulder. It was really well done and she was definitly wearing an off-the-shoulder dress to show it off. So I commented:
Dutchman: Nice tattoo!
Cat-Woman: Thanx!
Pod-Man: Do you have one of Batman too?
Cat-Woman: Yeah — but not where you can see it!
Dutchman: I'll bet he's right next to the Bat-Cave, huh?
Cat-Woman: (Blushes scarlet.)
.
14 July 2007
What Would ________ Do?
.
A few years ago, when it was all the rage for pre-pubescent girls to wear WWJD (i.e. "What would Jesus Do?") bracelets, my daughter Pumpkin commented that this was stupid, since Jesus was a boy and boys did gross things. She wanted a WWMD bracelet, since she saw Mary Most Immaculate as her appropriate role-model.
This problem of role models is as old as time. Diogenes Laërtius reports that Xenophon, immediately upon meeting him, "took Socrates as his exact model." This is, of course, a rather easy choice for Xenophon to make, for not only did he actually meet the great man, but there were so many fewer potential role models known to him at the time. Today one might consider such luminaries as Henry Agard Wallace, A.J. Muste, William Rufus, Saint Arnulf of Metz,Gayelord Hauser, Arthur Flagenheimer, William Claude Dukenfield, Herschel Krustofski — the list of worthy personages just goes on and on!
Perhaps the thing to do is to look for different models for different modes of life? Just as we would be loath to take our ethics from Captain Ernst Röhm, so too would we be misguided to emulate the savoir vivre of Mohandas K. Gandhi.
But what are we to do when the experts differ?
Recently it came to my attention that when Benjamin Franklin visited Paris in September 1767, the French secret police searched his logings and luggage, and reported that he had "the whitest underwear they had ever seen."
For years I have followed the example of Elvis, who never wore underwear. What am I to do now that the experts disagree?
.
A few years ago, when it was all the rage for pre-pubescent girls to wear WWJD (i.e. "What would Jesus Do?") bracelets, my daughter Pumpkin commented that this was stupid, since Jesus was a boy and boys did gross things. She wanted a WWMD bracelet, since she saw Mary Most Immaculate as her appropriate role-model.
This problem of role models is as old as time. Diogenes Laërtius reports that Xenophon, immediately upon meeting him, "took Socrates as his exact model." This is, of course, a rather easy choice for Xenophon to make, for not only did he actually meet the great man, but there were so many fewer potential role models known to him at the time. Today one might consider such luminaries as Henry Agard Wallace, A.J. Muste, William Rufus, Saint Arnulf of Metz,Gayelord Hauser, Arthur Flagenheimer, William Claude Dukenfield, Herschel Krustofski — the list of worthy personages just goes on and on!
Perhaps the thing to do is to look for different models for different modes of life? Just as we would be loath to take our ethics from Captain Ernst Röhm, so too would we be misguided to emulate the savoir vivre of Mohandas K. Gandhi.
But what are we to do when the experts differ?
Recently it came to my attention that when Benjamin Franklin visited Paris in September 1767, the French secret police searched his logings and luggage, and reported that he had "the whitest underwear they had ever seen."
For years I have followed the example of Elvis, who never wore underwear. What am I to do now that the experts disagree?
.
06 July 2007
17 May 2007
The Dutchman’s NYT Sex Frequency Test
According to a recent issue of the New York Times, the average American has sex 58 times per year. Several factors, however, have been found to reliably predict deviations from this mean. So take the Dutchman’s NYT Sex Frequency Test and see if it has predictive value for you!
Jazz Bonus:
+30% for Jazz Fans
Left Wing Bonus:
+10% for being a self described “liberal”
+33% for “Extreme Liberal”
+55% for “Radical”
Education Penalty:
-10% for each year of College education
Gun Owner Bonus:
+10% for male gun owners
+15% for female gun owners
Vice Bonus
+20% for smoking
+20% for “excessive” drinking
Television Bonus
+10% for watching Television
Working Class Bonus
+15% for earning less than $30,000 per annum
+30% for living in a trailer
Take your total percentage (100% plus or minus any bonuses or penalties) and multiply this by the normal mean of 58.
Does this match your actual frequency of coition? If not, what can you do about it? When my total was off I had to start listening to Jazz, buy a gun, and, since I couldn’t un-do those years of college education, move into a trailer. What radical changes will this test bring to you?
Jazz Bonus:
+30% for Jazz Fans
Left Wing Bonus:
+10% for being a self described “liberal”
+33% for “Extreme Liberal”
+55% for “Radical”
Education Penalty:
-10% for each year of College education
Gun Owner Bonus:
+10% for male gun owners
+15% for female gun owners
Vice Bonus
+20% for smoking
+20% for “excessive” drinking
Television Bonus
+10% for watching Television
Working Class Bonus
+15% for earning less than $30,000 per annum
+30% for living in a trailer
Take your total percentage (100% plus or minus any bonuses or penalties) and multiply this by the normal mean of 58.
Does this match your actual frequency of coition? If not, what can you do about it? When my total was off I had to start listening to Jazz, buy a gun, and, since I couldn’t un-do those years of college education, move into a trailer. What radical changes will this test bring to you?
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