Parenting Lesson #1

My sister-in-law had come by our shop to help out with a really big job and she had brought her little four-year-old son with her. Easily bored, the kid was soon asking ...

Nephew: C’n I go outside to play?

Sister-In-Law: No, It’s not safe to play on the sidewalk downtown.

Undeterred, the little boy kept asking ...

Nephew: C’n I go outside to play? — C’n I go outside to play? — C’n I go outside to play? — C’n I go outside to play?

So, my sister-in-law kept saying “no,” but at last she snapped ...

Sister-In-Law: Why do you keep asking me that?

Nephew: Because if I ask you again, and again, and again — you’ll say yes!

About half-an-hour later, he wanted something else and he asked Wife-Mate ...

Nephew: Auntie, c’n I have a Coke?

Wife-Mate: No.

Nephew: (Begins crying.)

Sister-In-Law: Now what’s wrong?

Nephew: If I ask Auntie again, and again, and again — she still won’t say yes!

Wild Jacobins!

Wife-Mate and I were in Paris, walking along the Quai de la Tournelle, when we came across a store that specialized in Napoleonic memorabilia. Right in the store window, for instance, they had the Marquis de LaFayette’s sword and Bonapart’s ink-well. I knew full well that any store that could put artifacts worth millions of Francs right in the window had nothing that I could possibly afford, yet i thought that if I were to go in and ask to see something particularly obscure, they might just respect my erudition enough to indulge me. So we went in, and, being approached by a fastidious man in a black velvet suit, I presumed to ask:

Dutchman: I can’t possibly afford anything you have here but, just the same, do you have anything of Marshal Brune’s?

Fastidious Proprietor: [responding warmly to my esoteric request] Oui Monsieur! I have a poem by the marshal!

He then led us to the back, where he pulled open a drawer and, there beneath a pane of glass, was indeed a holographic poem by the Great Man.

Wife-Mate: Say, my husband is always talking about this Marshal Brune, just who is he anyway?

Fastidious Proprietor: Oh, Madame, Brune was a wild Jacobin! Why, when he was sent to suppress the royalist revolt in the Vendee, he rounded up all of the Whites, and he loaded them onto a barge in the middle of the Sevre river, and then ...

Wife-Mate: [interrupting] Then he sunk the barge!

Fastidious Proprietor: Oh, you know the story?

Wife-Mate: No, I know my husband; that’s what he would do!

The Bouncing Baby Boogie Song

Bouncing baby boogie,
Bounce her up and down.
Grab her by the ankles,
and swing her 'round and 'round.

Bouncing baby boogie,
Bounce her up and down.
Throw her out the window,
at twice the speed of sound.

Bouncing baby boogie,
Bounce her up and down.
Leave her on the Clark bus,
the one that goes downtown.

Bouncing baby boogie,
Bounce her up and down.
Stuff her mouth with diapers,
so she can't make a sound.

Bouncing baby boogie,
Bounce her up and down.
Leave her in the bath-tub
and hope that she don't drown'.

Bouncing baby boogie,
Bounce her up and down.
She’s a happy baby
She never wears a frown!


(Baby sings along! She sings either: "Ooh! Ooh!" or "Aaaah-Owowowowow!")

The Dutchman's Chili Recipe

My personal recipt, as copied from Robert Mitchum’s recipe, printed in the Chicago Sun Times of 13 October 1985, with minor emendations and improvements by the Dutchman.



Ingredients:

» 3 lbs. Round steak, chuck, or short ribs.
» 5 tablespoons bacon grease, or olive oil.
» 2 onions, peeled and chopped fine.
» 4 cloves garlic, peeled and minced.
» 3 tablespoons chili powder.
» 11/2 teaspoons oregano
» 1 teaspoon cumin
» 3 tablespoons tomato paste
» 1 large can of crushed tomatoes
» 3 bottles of beer [Mitch suggests Mexican beer, but I find that Schlitz or Carlings will do well.]
» 2 tablespoons salt
» 1/4 cup massa flour or corn meal

Procedure:

• You need two pots! Make sure you have both a skillet to fry in and a large stew pot to simmer in before you start!
• Pound steak or chuck to flatten (do not pound short ribs), cut into large cubes. Heat 3 tablespoons bacon grease in large heavy pan or skillet. [Alternate method: cook four strips bacon in one tablespoon olive oil, remove cooked bacon and place in stew-pot, then use the bacon grease/olive oil to cook with.] Add beef all at once. Sear it, turning constantly, until lightly browned.
• Remove beef (keep the oil and beef fat though!) and place in stew-pot along with tomatoes (paste and crushed), and one can of beer. Put on a low heat and bring to a simmer.
• Add 2 more tablespoons of grease/oil and the onions and garlic to the skillet. Saute until the onion is limp and then cut flame. Stir in chili powder, oregano, and cumin to coat the onions.
• Dump coated onions into stew pot along with salt. Simmer, uncovered, over a very low flame until meat is tender. Add beer as liquid boils off. Cook this over-night, uncovered. Do not skim-off the fat!
• The next morning, bring the heat up a bit and stir in the masa flour. Cut flame, cover pot, let it sit all day to “tighten-up.”
• Heat it up again at dinner time. Do not skim-off the fat! Serve with sour-dough bread or tortilla chips to soak this good stuff up! The flavor is in the fat. Good when fresh, excellent when left-over.
• Serve in a bowl!
• Drink your coffee black!
• Use real butter on your roll!